I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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