New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
