i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Everyone says I win the strip club
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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