It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
