Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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