so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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