DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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