We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
