The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
