Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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