Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
