First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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