I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
