god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I died a long time ago.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
