I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize