Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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