her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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