Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
