Your mouth is God's brothel.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
