Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
