good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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