i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
