im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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