I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize