Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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