Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
