My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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