alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you didnt know i had herpes?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
