i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize