I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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