I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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