I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
