I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
