community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
