We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
