I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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