My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So much rum. So many feels.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
