Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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