FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
