I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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