it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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