I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
