I wish life had little blips of pornography
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He passed out mid-signature
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
