You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
