Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
