Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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