I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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