They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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