Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
