She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
