my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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