is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
