i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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