Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
