My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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