The maid of honor just puked.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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