Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
