The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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