I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
