keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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