my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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